In This Life
by sailor8t
Summary: Lexa kom Trikru has the memories of many lifetimes. Clarke Griffin does not. What will happen when they meet?


I don't own The 100. I'm playing with them for my own amusement, and will dust them off before returning them.

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Lexa kom Trikru has the memories of many lifetimes. It is part and parcel of being heda, holding the knowledge and dreams of all her predecessors. When she first sees Clarke Griffin, she knows that Clarke has been with her many times in the past. They have been friends and enemies, allies and lovers.

It has nothing to do with Clarke's appearance, although Lexa finds the leader of the skai people very attractive. It is the fierceness of her expression, the fire in her eyes, her refusal to back down. Even when Lexa stops being Lexa and becomes heda, Clarke is immune to the glare that makes the fiercest warriors quake in their boots. She ignores Lexa's attempts to keep her physical distance, and later, emotional distance.

It is as if Clarke knows they are connected, but undecided about what roles they will play this time. She fights as hard for her people, the ones who fell from the sky with her, as Lexa does for hers. They clash at nearly every meeting, trying to make the other submit.

Clarke saves Lexa from the pauna. Lexa forces Clarke's hand when one of Clarke's people murders most of the defenseless inhabitants of a small village. Clarke fights back when Raven is accused of poisoning Lexa at the dinner meant to cement the treaty between their people. Lexa kisses Clarke, and abandons Skaikru to Mount Weather's inhabitants. Clarke, hurt and angry as she is after Lexa's actions, thinks about their kiss all the time.

The deaths Clarke causes in the Mountain are to save her people. Fewer than half of the original 100 survive. Each deaths is an additional weight, and the people in Mount Weather, families and children, are her breaking point. Her first kill, merciful as it was, still haunts her dreams. All of Lexa's people who died at her hand or her direction add to the weight. It crushes Clarke's chest so she cannot breathe, clouds her brain so she cannot think or plan or see any future. She does not want to leave them, and they do not want her to leave, but Clarke knows that if she stays, she will suffocate under the press of death in her memories and the way the living look at her.

Becoming a Grounder isn't hard. She paid attention to every lesson, even those not directed at her. Clarke learned to hunt and hide and be someone exactly opposite of the girl who fell from the stars. She learned their language and how to fight. She has nowhere to go and no one to be, and all the time in the world.

She learns other ways to hide. She dyes her hair dark like the Grounders and keeps it in small braids. She learns to live with being dirty, and she learns to live with only her memories as company. They are not pleasant, but Clarke is no longer pleasant. She is angry, untouched and unloved.

As autumn fades and winter approaches, Lexa becomes more worried. She hears rumors of Clarke, but cannot verify them. Her scouts carry with them the likeness of the woman known now as Wanheda, Commander of Death, for turning Reapers back into men and defeating those who murdered so many Grounders.

Clarke learns this by accident, when she is at a trading post she regularly frequents, hungry, footsore, and injured. The panther is a good kill, but sank its claws into her shoulder. When she sees the rent and bloody clothing, Niylah insists on tending Clarke's wound. She leaves Clarke hidden in her sleeping quarters when the scouts come around again.

This time, they leave on the counter a wanted poster with a very bad drawing of Clarke, a physical description that is no longer accurate, and titles bestowed upon her by the Grounders: Skai Prisa, Skai Heda, Wanheda. Niylah brings it to Clarke, who waits, shirtless, on Niylah's bed for her to finish tending her wound.

Clarke swears in an impressive combination of Trigedasleng and gonasleng, but since Niylah is cleaning the claw marks, she isn't sure whether the poster or the injury are the reason for it. When Clarke's shoulder is clean, Niylah rubs in a burning salve that makes Clarke swear again. That discomfort fades quickly, and would have been forgotten anyway when Niylah ran her hand over Clarke's shoulder, down to the top of Clarke's breast.

She hasn't been touched in so long, and Niylah has been consistently generous, kind, and patient. Despite the large reward offered, she has not betrayed Clarke.

Clarke allows herself this comfort. She lets Niylah remove the rest of her clothing, and she removes Niylah's. Niylah is beautiful and willing, and Clarke leaves her mark in places where it won't be seen. Niylah touches her gently sometimes, and far from gently others, and it is many hours before they sleep.

Clarke tries to slip away in the night, but Niylah coaxes her back to bed, and Clarke stays until mid-morning, after another very satisfying round of sex and a second application of the burning salve. She won't be back.

The scouts seeking her are thorough and determined. Clarke moves through the land, leaving as little trail as possible, avoiding everyone, stopping at trading posts only when it is unavoidable.

That is her downfall. She expected for months that some greedy joka would be unable to resist the ever increasing bounty on her head. For three days, she stays ahead of the scouts. They have the advantage of numbers, tracking experience, and horses. Only exhaustion brings Clarke to a stop.

She wakes with a sword under her chin. When the Trikru scouts try to force her to come along, she lashes out. For her trouble, Clarke is bound and gagged, stripped of her weapons, and thrown across a horse like luggage. She is pleased that everyone who touched her bears some injury by her hand.

They quickly learn to avoid her legs. They give her food and drink every time they eat and drink. Clarke wants to spit it out but doesn't. It's fuel for her body, like her anger at Lexa is fuel for her soul. She fights everything else, though, and for her trouble gets many bruises and a few cuts. The scouts curse her every time, and she swears back around the gag.

It takes days to reach Polis, and it is days after that before Clarke actually sees the city from windows high above the streets. Lexa treats her like a guest, an ill-mannered guest, but a guest nonetheless. Clarke bathes, and wears the clothes Lexa selected for her, reads the books and even uses the art supplies Lexa obtained for her.

Lexa tries every day to see Clarke, but a week passes before she is successful. Clarke screams at her, and Lexa takes it. Clarke throws whatever is handy at Lexa, and she lets every item hit her. Every day, she moves a step closer, and every day Clarke allows it despite her protests.

When Lexa speaks, it is to tell Clarke that her people are well. She mentions by name the ones she knows: Bellamy, Raven, Octavia, Marcus Kane, Abby, and passes on the messages she promised she would.

That night, Lexa is jarred from sleep by Clarke's screams. It sounds like she's being murdered, and Lexa races from her quarters to Clarke's, weapon in hand, ready to destroy whoever dares threaten Clarke in Lexa's home.

The only threat is from inside Clarke, who falls from the bed when Lexa enters. Clarke's frantic efforts to free herself from her bedding only tangle her more. Lexa kneels beside Clarke and speaks quietly, assuring Clarke that she is safe while she frees her from the furs and straightens Clarke's night clothes. She returns Clarke to the bed, tucks the furs around her, and as much as she wants to stay, bids Clarke goodnight and leaves.

When it happens again, Clarke asks her to stay. If she hadn't seen Clarke's lips move, Lexa would have believed it to be wishful thinking. Lexa pulls a chair near the bed and sits in it until dawn.

The next night, Lexa has a more comfortable chair brought in, and brings a fur from her bed. While Clarke sleeps, Lexa tells her about the times they met before. She tells Clarke about war and how they killed each other, about joining their armies to defeat a mutual foe, about being married and having children together, about the times Clarke was her advisor, her seken, her brother, her friend.

The second night, she tells Clarke about all the times they were lovers, the hours stolen from their duties, and the times it cost both of them everything.

On the third night, Lexa has nothing to say. She has tired of talking, of not getting enough sleep, and curls up in the chair to sleep. She hopes her presence will be enough to allow Clarke to sleep.

It is not. Clarke screams and flails and calls out for people long gone. She quiets only when Lexa slips into bed with her, pressing cold feet against Clarke's warm calves. The next night, she brings Clarke to her own bed, which is larger and pre-warmed, with a ceiling of heavy fabric and curtains of the same material that will keep the cold at bay. Clarke looks unhappy and terribly put out, but she sleeps in Lexa's bed all the same.

Clarke takes faltering step after faltering step toward Lexa, who awaits her decision with the patience of the ages. She will give Clarke everything, as she has so many times before, if Clarke will accept it and give her all she is in return.

At the last minute, Clarke runs and Lexa lets her go. Clarke will come back if she wants to, and only because she wants to. Life is too short, and Lexa has many duties to hold her attention, and she tells herself that love is weakness. She wishes she had not let Clarke into her bed, because it is harder to sleep as Clarke's scent fades from the bedding, and because she knows what she should not want what she is not destined to have.

She gets reports. Clarke makes no effort to hide her distinctive blonde hair this time. She hides in plain sight behind her title, daring anyone to attempt to take her power.

Many try.

They do not succeed. Clarke leaves their bodies for scavengers and finds someplace to heal. She puts in stitches when she needs them, and uses every trick she's ever seen to treat wounds in places she cannot reach.

After a particularly brutal fight, Clarke realizes she needs help. She is close to Niylah's trading post, and this time doesn't care if her father is there. She crosses the threshold and collapses. Niylah does what she can, but Clarke's injuries are beyond her ability, and she sends a message to Polis.

In the morning, Lexa arrives with Indra and Nyko. She paces outside while Indra guards the door and Nyko and Niylah piece Clarke back together.

Lexa paces for three days. Regular reports from the healers mean nothing if Clarke doesn't wake.

On the fourth day, there is a scream that Lexa recognizes all too well. She rushes in. Niylah and Nyko are trying to restrain Clarke. She has popped several stitches and there is fresh blood everywhere. When Lexa touches Clarke, speaking her name with hope and reverence and love, Clarke becomes still. Her eyes open, flutter around in panic until they see Lexa.

Clarke doesn't remember why she left Polis. All she recalls is that the last time she slept through the night, Lexa was there, standing guard against Clarke's demons. Clarke whimpers and reaches, and two more stitches break loose.

Lexa slides between the healers and crouches at Clarke's bedside, envelops Clarke's hand in both of hers. She stays and coaxes Clarke to drink whatever it is that Nyko wants her to have. She stays while the stitches are replaced. Clarke does not move or protest and Lexa wonders whether it is from the drink. Clarke's eyes, darting between Lexa's face and their hands, say otherwise.

Niylah sees this and wonders whether Clarke will acknowledge her at all. When Clarke loses the fight against Nyko's medication, Lexa stands and sighs. She knows she should not have come, and should not stay. She sees the way Niylah looks at Clarke, much like Lexa looks at her, and makes her decision, the same one she made in Polis many weeks ago.

"Ai bants em kom yu," she tells Niylah, and gestures for Nyko to follow her.

He is to stay a few more days before returning to Polis, where his skills are always in demand. Lexa turns away before he answers, hating the pity in his eyes, and leaves. She tells Indra to send a message to Skaikru, who always ask about Clarke.

It is so hard to freeze her heart again, but that is what Lexa does on the ride back to Polis. She can't remove her memories of Clarke, but she can shove them all in a box and seal it with her sorrow.

Nyko leaves and Clarke stays. She sleeps, but not as much as she should, and it is not healing or restorative, and it is only when Niylah stays with her that it lasts more than a few minutes.

But her body heals. The stitches are removed. Clarke refuses the pain medication, and is out of bed well before she should be. Niylah changes the bedding, orders Clarke into a chair when she tries to help, and both of them are a little surprised when Clarke sits.

After that, Clarke moves around a little more each day. She helps Niylah in the shop, small tasks at first that tax neither body or mind. As Clarke regains her strength, she takes over some chores. She hauls water and firewood, gathers fuel for the fireplace and smoker. She hunts, returning with food and pelts, and learns how to prepare both for use.

Clarke is healthy but restless. Niylah wonders whether she will leave again, but dares not ask. She loves Clarke's company, loves tracing every mark on Clarke's body with her tongue, loves Clarke, and accepts the affection Clarke returns.

Scouts still come bearing Clarke's likeness. Clarke kills them all. Even without regular practice she is dangerous and precise. Before she allows Niylah to tend her wounds, Clarke drags their bodies deep into the woods and rolls them into a ravine.

Indra comes with a detachment of soldiers and a message from Lexa. Skaikru will join the coalition, but only if Clarke is there to witness. Clarke explains all the reasons it is not possible. Indra threatens, and Clarke laughs. She stops when Indra pulls out a radio, hails Lexa.

Clarke negotiates directly with her. She wants Niylah to come with her, but the trading post must stay open. Too many people rely on it. She wants to know when she must be there, so she can set out on her own.

Lexa agrees to all of Clarke's demands except for Clarke and Niylah traveling alone. The bounty on Clarke's head is too large. There are still too many who desire her power. Lexa does not tell Clarke that the soldiers are for her peace of mind as much to ensure Clarke's safe arrival.

Clarke and Niylah choose the men who will tend the business, put what they will need in packs, and mount the horses waiting for them.

The arrow in Niylah's throat is meant for Clarke, who is off her horse to catch Niylah as she falls. Clarke breaks the shaft, lifts Niylah onto her horse, mounts behind her, and kicks the animal. She bursts through the surrounding guards. They try to catch up as Clarke races for Polis, speaking words of comfort and endearment. She manages to grab hold of one of Niylah's wrists, tracking her pulse, glad that it is still there.

She screams at the gates of Polis, curses the guards for their slowness, barks orders that are ignored until Indra arrives and approves them. In the back of her mind, Clarke marks those soldiers. She will remember them, and they will pay if… She does not want to consider that, and rides through Polis at breakneck speed, screaming for her mother along the way.

She is heard even high in the tower. Lexa looks out, sees Clarke, hears her yells. "We must go," she tells Abby, and the rest of the Skaikru delegation follow her to the lift. Lexa pulls Abby along, and they reach the healers' house when Clarke is dismounting. She tries not to hurt Niylah as they go to ground.

Abby is concerned for Clarke, who is covered in blood, and follows her inside. Clarke places Niylah on a table and demands, "Save her."

"Clarke, I"

"Save her, or kiss your alliance goodbye."

Abby nods, and begins to examine the injury. She looks at Clarke. "She needs surgery."

"Do it."

The healers clean and sedate Niylah while a guard retrieves Abby's medical supplies. Clarke stays at the head of the table, supporting Niylah's head and whispering to her in Trigedasleng. Abby has learned enough to pick out a few words, but it is Clarke's demeanor and actions that give her away.

Lexa gives Clarke one sorrow filled look that she doesn't see, and shepherds Skaikru away. They refuse to go further than the lobby, and Lexa leaves them with a guard. She walks through her capital. It reminds her that these people need her, even if Clarke does not.

There is another argument after the surgery is successful. Lexa needs to finish the details of Skaikru's induction, particularly Clarke's part. Clarke is obdurate. She will not leave Niylah, despite her mother's assurances that she will sleep for hours yet, despite the urgency of Lexa's requests. It is Nyko who persuades her. He will stay where Clarke has been. He will speak to Niylah, even if she cannot hear. He will send a messenger the moment there is any change. He pledges his life to keep her safe, and Clarke finally agrees to leave her.

When Lexa tells her what she requires of Clarke, Bellamy and Kane grab her to prevent her from attacking Lexa. Although fluent in Trigedasleng, they do not understand the torrent of words from Clarke's mouth. Lexa's expressionless face gives them no clue.

They understand this, said in English: "I will never bow to you."

"Wanheda must," Lexa insists. It is the only way to ensure Skaikru's safety, Clarke's safety. If she submits to heda, the entire alliance will protect Skaikru, provide aid and assistance, keep them alive, Lexa explains.

"Swear it," Clarke demands. "Swear it on your life."

Lexa does.

"Wanheda will bow to you, but I never will. If anything happens to them, I will find you and kill you slowly."

Clarke stalks away. Abby follows. Marcus is calmer and will complete the negotiations Abby has not seen her daughter for so long. Clarke is not interested in talking or being talked at.

Nyko returns Clarke's place to her. He tells her that there is no problem. Niylah rests. It is the best thing for her. He will return later, so Clarke can prepare for the meeting. Abby checks her patient and agrees with Nyko's assessment. She pulls a chair next to Clarke and tentatively puts her hand on her daughter's shoulder, is relieved that Clarke doesn't shrug it off.

They sit in silence until soldiers arrive with the clothes Clarke is to wear. Nyko returns, and Clarke leaves to bathe and dress. She is escorted to Lexa, who braids Clarke's hair into a design fitting her station and carefully paints her face. They have done this in many lives, but in none of them has there been so much separating them. Lexa does not speak while she does this. Clarke will not listen, so there is no need to try to persuade her. Clarke has made her decision. In this life, they will be less than enemies and less than friends.

The fire in Clarke's eyes as she approaches Lexa would terrify anyone else. It is Heda who returns Clarke's gaze, but it is Lexa whose heart breaks even more when Clarke goes to one knee and forces her stiff neck to bow. Everyone in the room can feel and see Clarke's fury, but they believe it to be Wanheda's.

It does not matter. Marcus Kane accepts the alliance's brand. Lexa announces a feast to welcome their new allies. Clarke leaves, runs down the many stairs to avoid everyone. She checks on Niylah and leaves Nyko with her long enough to remove the clothes Lexa chose and return to the bloody outfit she arrived in. She takes a few seconds to wash away the paint on her face, and sends Nyko to the feast.

Niylah wakes. She does not complain of pain, but asks Clarke to move where she can see her. Clarke explains all that has happened. The feast is still in full swing, judging by the sounds drifting in from the street when Abby Griffin returns. She does a thorough exam, orders more pain medication, and gets two chairs, one for Clarke, who has been on her knees for hours, and one for herself.

Abby doesn't recognize this woman at all. She sees no trace of her daughter in this angry, scarred warrior.

When Niylah sleeps again, Clarke tells Abby, "Ask."

"Where have you been? What happened? Why did you leave? Why haven't you come back? Who is she?" Abby waits for answers that aren't forthcoming.

When Clarke speaks, it isn't at all what Abby expects. "You are as safe now as I can make you, but Skaikru must learn to be strong. Lexa covets your technology. She will exploit you for her benefit. She will tell you it is for the greater good. Consider carefully what you give her, what you teach the others. Remember that it will all be turned against you."

"Clarke, that isn't what this alliance is about."

Clarke scoffs. "She abandoned the alliance with us the moment it was expedient. Get to know the other clans. Cultivate relationships with them, even Azgeda. When there is war, pick your side carefully. You will always have to choose, and the wrong decision will result in your destruction."

"Clarke," Abby tries again.

"When can she travel?"

"She shouldn't be moved for at least a week."

"We can't wait that long."

"She can't ride or walk. Her neck can't be jarred."

Clarke nods. She can get a carriage or wagon, fill it with comfortable bedding, soft and deep.

"She's still at risk for infection," Abby continues. "The stitches will have to remain in longer than usual."

Clarke accepts all of that information, and gives nothing in return.

Abby sighs and leaves them, only to return within the hour. She gives Clarke a small bag. "Antibiotics, painkillers, two medkits. It's all I can spare."

Clarke leans forward and kisses Niylah's temple. She stands and faces Abby for the first time. "Thank you."

"You're not coming back with us, are you?"

"No."

"Will I see you again?"

"I don't know."

Abby sighs. "Be safe, Clarke. May we meet again."

Clarke returns to her vigil without answering, and Abby leaves the stranger who looks like her daughter.

Lexa comes in near dawn. The city is finally quiet. Clarke sleeps, forehead resting on her arms on the table. Lexa doesn't want to disturb her, but there are things Clarke must know.

"No closer," Clarke growls when Lexa reaches the end of the table at Niylah's feet.

"Every clan wants your power. You must be careful."

"Stop worrying about me, Lexa." Clarke looks at her, and sees Lexa, the woman she wanted to love, the woman she will never trust. She sees that Lexa is sad and lonely and knows it is her doing. "She never asks anything of me. She doesn't expect me to lead, or save anyone, or be someone else."

"She cannot understand. She cannot love you as I can."

"She loves me for who I am. Not because I am Wanheda. Not because I am a tool or weapon. She protected me for months without telling me or asking for anything."

"You do not love her."

Clarke chooses her words deliberately to inflict pain. "You cannot tell me how to feel. I am not yours. I will never be yours. I will not fight your wars. I will not be your symbol or your weapon. All I want is for you to stay away from me."

When Lexa closes her eyes for a few seconds, Clarke knows she has succeeded and ignores the spasm in her chest.

"Do you need anything?" Lexa asks.

"I need a wagon to get her home."

"You can stay here, Clarke, as long as she needs."

"I need a wagon, Lexa. We need to leave."

"You will have it tomorrow."

"No guards. I will send the wagon back with the ones at the trading post."

"As you wish."

Clarke returns her attention you Niylah, effectively dismissing Lexa.

Lexa watches Clarke, hoping still that Clarke will forgive her. She says farewell in her language with the words of the Skai people.

Clarke doesn't answer until Lexa is gone.

-30-

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joka = fucker  
Ai bants em kom yu. = I leave her with you.


End file.
